Our resident pundit has dusted down her microphone and made her predictions for the new football season.

(Yes, I know it’s ten days late, but that’s her dad’s fault, don’t blame Sophie!)

With their “arsenal” of attacking options, at least one North London side should really be fighting for honours this year.

Meanwhile, across London, Chelsea’s gangster boss Maureen Yo will probably find himself moaning all season as his team bore their way to two trophies. (Dad: He’s already started, Sophie!).

Maureen Yo!

There has been a “sterling” effort on the part of Pellegrini – isn’t that a type of lemonade? – to get Man City back on track while King Louis of Manchester United will surely have a part “de-pay” in this season’s title race.

“Kane” Harry keep it up to Spur Pochettino’s team to glory at White Hart Lane, or more than likely, will teams have worked him out and be able to stop him scoring? Brendan Rodgers meanwhile will be “scousering” his options for the new season but, if he gets it wrong, by Christmas he could be facing the “Sak- ho” ho ho.

At the bottom of the table, Howe can Bournemouth possibly stay up while I predict neither sorcerer “nor witch” could keep the Canaries singing this season. Do I need to mention the other promoted side? “Wat for? D”oesn’t look good for them either.

Saying that, you’ll find few people willing to Advocaat for the Black Cats of Sunderland whose luck may well run out this year. As for their North East neighbours, the bunch of Cisses at least should do better than last year.

Would it be Stoking the flames of optimism too much to suggest Mark Hughes’ men could threaten the European places? Particularly as a Europa League campaign could s-Pelle trouble for Southampton and Ronald Koeman. The Swans of South Wales have been steadily improving so it would be wise to Shelve (y) any talk of them troubling the bottom half of the table. Everton will also want to be better; they will have to take more “Clever le-“ads  if they are to succeed.

Premier League:

1st Stoke. It’d be nice for Barcelona-lite to win it.

2nd Arsenal. Cos they have to finish higher than third at some point!

3rd Manchester City. Aguergoing for glory in too many competitions.

4th Chelsea. Yawn.

5th Everton.

6th Manchester United. Unless Rooney starts scoring, in which case they’ll come fifth.

7th Tottenham. Spursday being the day after Wednesday will be interesting for them until March. As usual.

8th Swansea. Exciting to watch and interesting to read about.

9th Liverpool. Are they actually any good?

10th Bournemouth. They were ace in the Championship and they’re only little like me!

Bottom Half

11th Southampton. Not got a big enough squad to do everything they’d want to.

12th Crystal Palace. Signed lots of players, but they’ve still got an ex-Rovers player in defence. It can hold you back.

13th West Ham. Now they’re out of Europe, they can concentrate on being average

14th Watford. Lots of exciting goalscorers!

15th Newcastle. Will probably get some French guy to save them!

16th Leicester. Did well at the end of last season, but I don’t think they’ll keep it up

17th Norwich. Skin of their teeth survival

18th Aston Villa. Probably about time.

19th West Brom. Who are their good players?

20th Sunderland. They’re just annoying.

But enough about the Premier League – the real action as usual is in the Championship. All Rhodes lead to nowhere for Blackburn Rovers unfortunately as even if they Marshall the threat from the usual suspects, the new boys in the division also look strong. I Cairney see them prospering without the star quality of their lost midfielder and be my Gest-ede predicting anything other than midtable for the famous blue and white halves. (I wanted to get Delfouneso in…but it would have ended up as a bit of a Duff pun).

And in Europe? Expect Barca to be Suaring high yet again although Bayern ought to sort out last year’s Lahm challenge for the Champions League. Expect Real to be Kroos once again and Juventus will want to Pog the headlines yet again.

Pogging the ball as usual!

Whatever happens, I’m sure it’ll all get a bit Messi!

NB: This is Joe speaking. I didn’t endorse any of these jokes. It is all Sophie’s original material…!

(For more Sophie punditry, check out last year’s World Cup predictions!)